My daughter came home from kindergarten saying she needed to bring a T-shirt to school. Her teacher was going to iron an antidrug message onto it. Unable to find a blank one, my husband sent her off with a T-shirt that already had something lettered across the front. That afternoon, my daughter showed off her new T-shirt. One side read, "Families Are Forever." And the other side, "Be smart, Don't Start."
A couple is lying in bed one night when when the woman turns to the man, smiles and says, "I'm going to make you the happiest man in the world."
The man replies, "I'll miss you."
The pharmacist arrives at work to find a frightened-looking man against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?" the pharmacist asks his clerk.
"He wanted cough medicine, but i couldn't find any, so i gave him a laxative."
"Laxatives won't cure a cough," yells the owner.
"Sure they will. Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
Three rough-looking bikers stomp into a truck stop where a grizzled old-timer is having breakfast.
One of the biker extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy's pancakes. The second bikers spit a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffe. The third biker dumps the whole plate on the floor.
Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his bill and leaves.
"Not much of a man was he?" says one of the bikers.
"Not much of a driver either," says the waitress. "He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."
A woman goes to the drugstore and asks for arsenic.
"What do yo want that for?" the pharmacist ask.
"I want to kill my husband," she replies. "He's having affair with another woman."
"I can't sell you arsenic to kill your husband," says the pharmacist, "even if he is cheating."
The woman pulls out a picture of her husband with the pharmacist wife. The druggist turns pale and replies, "Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
14 Jan 2010
George’s blind date with Anne was bad from the start—in short, they loathed each other. Fortunately, George had asked his friend to call him so he’d have an excuse to leave if date wasn’t going well.
When his friend called, George pretended to be in shock. “I have to leave,” George said to Anne. “My aunt just died.”
“Thank God,” Anne replied. “If yours hadn’t, mine would’ve had to.”
A man in the hospital after getting drunk and swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his situation say, so far, no change.
Exhausted after driving all night, a man decided to pull over to get some sleep. He had just settled back to snooze when there was a knock on the window.
He opened his eyes to a jogger, who asked, “Excuse me, but do you have the time?”
“Its 8:10,”
“Thanks,” he replied, running off. The man had just dozed off again when there was another knock.
“What time is it?” asked the hiker.
“8.25,” Fed up, the man put a sign in his window that read “I DON’T KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!”
Knock, knock! He was suddenly awakened again.
Scowling, the man rolled down the window.
“WHAT?” he yelled at the boy scout standing there.
“It’s 8:45”
After Mozart passed away, the town drunk heard some strange noises coming from the grave site. Terrified he ran and got the priest. He bent close to the headstone and heard some faint, unrecognizable music. The frightened priest got the town magistrate.
He listened for a minute and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Mozart’s Ninth Symphony, being played backward. And there’s the Eighth…the Seventh…the Sixth…” Then he stood up and said. “Nothing to worry about. It’s just Mozart decomposing.
Police cadets are being trained in the finer points of recognizing suspects. To test their skills, the superior officer holds up a photo of a men-looking dude, and then hides it.
“This is your suspect,” he tells the group of three. “Describe him.” The first caded says, He’s an ugly looking, one eyed guy.”
“You only see one eye because the photo is a profile,” the officer says patiently.
He flashes the photo at the second cadet. “Here’s the perp. What do you do?”
“I’d round up all the on eared crooks.”
“I told you, it’s a photo of this profile” the officer repeats.
The third cadet pipes up, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”
“That’s true,” says the officer, relieved that one of the new recruits is on the ball. “How did you conclude that?”
“Easy,” says the cadet. “He can’t wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”
Boss: “Why is it I always catch you goofing off whenever I pass by your cubicle?”
Worker: “That’s easy. You wear sneakers.”
A crab and a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon, the lobster tires of lying and tells her father, who forbids her to see the crab.
“It’ll never work,” he says to her. “Crabs walk sideways and we walk straight!”
“Please,” she begs. “Just meet him once. I know you’ll like him.
”Her father finally agrees, and she runs off to share the good news.
The crab is so excited he decides to surprise his beloved’s family He practices and practices until he can finally walk straight.
On the big day he walks the entire say to the lobster’s house as straight as he can. Standing on the porch the lobster dad yells to his daughter, “I knew it. Here comes that crab and he’s drunk!”
When his friend called, George pretended to be in shock. “I have to leave,” George said to Anne. “My aunt just died.”
“Thank God,” Anne replied. “If yours hadn’t, mine would’ve had to.”
A man in the hospital after getting drunk and swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his situation say, so far, no change.
Exhausted after driving all night, a man decided to pull over to get some sleep. He had just settled back to snooze when there was a knock on the window.
He opened his eyes to a jogger, who asked, “Excuse me, but do you have the time?”
“Its 8:10,”
“Thanks,” he replied, running off. The man had just dozed off again when there was another knock.
“What time is it?” asked the hiker.
“8.25,” Fed up, the man put a sign in his window that read “I DON’T KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!”
Knock, knock! He was suddenly awakened again.
Scowling, the man rolled down the window.
“WHAT?” he yelled at the boy scout standing there.
“It’s 8:45”
After Mozart passed away, the town drunk heard some strange noises coming from the grave site. Terrified he ran and got the priest. He bent close to the headstone and heard some faint, unrecognizable music. The frightened priest got the town magistrate.
He listened for a minute and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Mozart’s Ninth Symphony, being played backward. And there’s the Eighth…the Seventh…the Sixth…” Then he stood up and said. “Nothing to worry about. It’s just Mozart decomposing.
Police cadets are being trained in the finer points of recognizing suspects. To test their skills, the superior officer holds up a photo of a men-looking dude, and then hides it.
“This is your suspect,” he tells the group of three. “Describe him.” The first caded says, He’s an ugly looking, one eyed guy.”
“You only see one eye because the photo is a profile,” the officer says patiently.
He flashes the photo at the second cadet. “Here’s the perp. What do you do?”
“I’d round up all the on eared crooks.”
“I told you, it’s a photo of this profile” the officer repeats.
The third cadet pipes up, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”
“That’s true,” says the officer, relieved that one of the new recruits is on the ball. “How did you conclude that?”
“Easy,” says the cadet. “He can’t wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”
Boss: “Why is it I always catch you goofing off whenever I pass by your cubicle?”
Worker: “That’s easy. You wear sneakers.”
A crab and a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon, the lobster tires of lying and tells her father, who forbids her to see the crab.
“It’ll never work,” he says to her. “Crabs walk sideways and we walk straight!”
“Please,” she begs. “Just meet him once. I know you’ll like him.
”Her father finally agrees, and she runs off to share the good news.
The crab is so excited he decides to surprise his beloved’s family He practices and practices until he can finally walk straight.
On the big day he walks the entire say to the lobster’s house as straight as he can. Standing on the porch the lobster dad yells to his daughter, “I knew it. Here comes that crab and he’s drunk!”
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